That Wasn't a Compliment: How Christians Hurt People with Words.

Often men and women leave Sunday morning wounded over what seems to be innocent words of observation. It may surprise some that Sunday morning etiquette matters, and the old carpentry proverb of wisdom, "measure twice, cut once," should be applied to our speech in how we talk to one another. Each Sunday, we gather together with the expectation of neighborly love, wisdom, and speech. However, each Sunday, the lack of care over the words spoken is unloving, not very neighborly, and lacks wisdom in speech. Here is what I mean. Jesus reminds us of this important truth in Matt 12:36

But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.

Careless is an interesting word. It could be translated as idle, useless, or, here in Matt 12:36, as careless. Marked by a lack of attention and consideration. In other words, not measuring our words twice before cutting. As believers, we do not want laziness to run our mouths. We want to be people who consider what we say, how we say it, and how it will affect others. Paul makes a strong connection point with this in Ephesians 4:29

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up what is needed, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Speak what is good for building up. Now the question one should ask is not as simple as “Is what I said true?” The paramount question is, “Is what I said said in grace and truth?” This matters! Personally, I have been wounded at church. Sometimes it is by a senior who has no bridle on the tongue or others who just say the most cutting things. At the same time, I have heard of others who were also wounded by fellow believers for saying things that honestly have no business being said. Though it is wrapped in a compliment, it really is not. Here are some examples you may have heard.

• “Oh, you lost weight!” What the person may hear is, “You used to be fat.”

• “You look so much better today!” This could lead to one thinking, “Do I usually look terrible?”

• “Wow, you actually dressed up!” Perhaps making the person feel they do not normally look respectable.

• “You finally got a haircut!” Implying, “Your hair was bothering me before.”

• “Oh look, you’re getting a ponch!” This one may be understood as, “You have gained weight and we all see it.”

• “Wow, someone has had lots of coffee!” Implying that perhaps a person's joyful excitement has caused foolish behavior.

There are many more, but perhaps one of the best-known so-called compliments is, “I have not seen you in church for a while!” While it may seem innocent, it comes across to many as, “We’ve been keeping track of your attendance.” Look, this does not mean we should never say such things, but we must remember context, relationship, and intention matter. The point I am making is that Christians should develop greater wisdom and discipline in the words they use toward one another, as those words land differently for different people.

There is of course, the principle of not offending another brother or sister; it shows maturity and personal sanctification. Here are a few verses.

James 3:6

And the tongue is a fire, the very world of unrighteousness; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our existence, and is set on fire by hell.

James 3:9

With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God.

Again, it is not always about being rude; it is how we speak to one another as image bearers. As fellow image bearers, we speak in such a way that betters one another, not simply expressing the first thoughts that come to our mind.

Philippians 2:3–4

doing nothing from selfish ambition or vain glory, but with humility of mind regarding one another as more important than yourselves, not merely looking out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Part of not being selfish, walking in humility, and treating others as more important is pausing before speaking and asking, “Am I saying this because it will benefit them, or because I want to say it?” This is a hinge that opens the door to better discourse. Let’s get real. We like to boast about our Christian liberty, but such liberty does not mean verbal carelessness. Paul tells us in Romans,

Romans 14:19

So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

This is the standard. Often, once words wound, we all hear, “But I did not mean anything by it.” While that may explain intention, it still fails to demonstrate wisdom. Christian sanctification matures the believer to think beyond intent and toward what would build up and encourage their fellow brother or sister in what they need. Let me sound like a broken record. Not everything that is true needs to be said. Remember,

Proverbs 15:23

A man has gladness in an apt answer, And how good is a timely word!

Or,

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

As Christians, let us be people who, before we speak, always consider the question, “Is what I am about to say merely accurate, or is it gracious?” Every week men and women walk into the church carrying great burdens that no one else can see. In fact, many times, no one else will ever know. It could be the burden of insecurity, grief, temptation, failure, body-image struggles, marital difficulty, financial pressure, or spiritual discouragement. This is why we need wisdom, as wisdom would say, “Do not casually put a sword where you could have brought healing” (See Proverbs 12:18).

For a moment, let us imagine walking all day with a small pebble in our shoe. No one else can see it. To everyone around you, you look perfectly fine, yet each step hurts, and pain increases with time. Well, sometimes, friends, our words are like that little pebble. We make these little passing comments, laugh, and move on, but the other person carries them long after the person who made them forgets they even said them. So before we speak, especially in the church, we need to consider if what we are about to say is true, necessary, loving, and will it build them up? Remember, Christ has called us not merely to speak truth, but to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). I agree that sometimes the most loving thing we can say is a genuine word of encouragement, but what is also true is that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say nothing at all.

If you have been wounded by misplaced words and need prayer, please reach out, and I will certainly pray. If you are part of the church family at either campus, we can sit down and discuss and pray together.

In His Merciful Grip,

P/Steve

Editor's Note: There will be a follow-up article on the oversensitive believer who is easily offended. Balance is needed, and such characteristics are equally concerning. Many things can be true at the same time, and articles are designed to be five-minute reads.